04.2026 // Cover Story
The Science
of Passing
Inside the convention reprogramming masculinity one handshake, one head nod, one unsolicited steak opinion at a time. We brought the data. They brought the cargo shorts.
94%
Confidence Index
99.2%
Grill Accuracy
1.0
Emotional Range
Diagnostic Algorithm
The Straight-
Passing Index
We built a 10-question diagnostic algorithm to quantify how well he performs heterosexuality. The results are peer-reviewed. The methodology is questionable.
Feature
The Straight-Passing Protocol
48 Field-Tested Techniques
A data-driven field guide to performing heterosexuality. Peer-reviewed by exactly zero peers.
Investigation
Case Files from the Convention
We embedded a reporter at the Straight Act Survival Convention. These are the field notes he wishes he hadn't taken.
Data Point
94% of attendees rated their handshake "firm." 0% of handshake recipients agreed.
Analysis
The average attendee Googles "how to grill" 4.7 times before every cookout. We tracked the queries.
Classified
One man's Spotify Wrapped contained 347 plays of a Charli XCX deep cut. He blamed his girlfriend. She doesn't exist.