The Complete Reference
12 immutable rules. Expanded with advanced guidance for the truly committed. Memorize them. Live them. Never question them.
A sigma does not double-text. A sigma does not like her Instagram story within 3 minutes. A sigma waits at least 47 minutes. Minimum.
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If she texts 'hey,' respond in 2-4 business days. If she texts a heart emoji, leave her on read for a calendar week. Urgency is beta energy.
Your handshake should communicate three things: dominance, protein intake, and a vague knowledge of carpentry.
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Practice on doorknobs, tennis balls, and reluctant family members. Calibrate to 73% of maximum grip. Full grip is assault. Half grip is weakness.
You are allowed exactly one emotion per quarter. Choose wisely. Most sigmas go with 'mild frustration about traffic.'
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Acceptable emotions by quarter: Q1 — mild frustration. Q2 — quiet satisfaction after grilling. Q3 — brief nostalgia during a classic rock song. Q4 — controlled pride when someone compliments your handshake.
If you're not grilling, you should be thinking about grilling. If you're thinking about grilling, you should be buying charcoal.
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The sigma grills in all weather. Rain? Grill. Snow? Grill. Apartment balcony with a fire code violation? That's just dedication.
You don't need to watch the game. You need to know who won and have one strong opinion about the ref.
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Memorize these phrases: 'That call was garbage,' 'We got robbed,' and 'I've been saying this all season.' These cover 94% of all sports conversations.
Pockets are power. The more pockets you have, the more prepared you are. For what? Doesn't matter. You're prepared.
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Minimum 6 pockets. Optimal is 8. More than 10 and you've crossed into tactical vest territory, which is a different program.
Up for friends. Down for strangers. Sideways for 'did you see that?' Never all three at once.
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The speed of the nod communicates status. Slow nod = respect. Fast nod = acknowledgment. No nod = you didn't see them and that's final.
Walk every aisle. Touch things. Pick items up, examine them, put them back. You are not shopping. You are communing.
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The sigma enters Home Depot with a list of zero items and leaves with $147 worth of things he'll use 'eventually.' The trip itself is the purpose.
Have an opinion about IPAs. It doesn't matter which opinion. The conviction is what counts.
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When offered a drink, say 'whatcha got?' regardless of venue. At a wedding with an open bar? 'Whatcha got?' At your own home? 'Whatcha got?' This is the way.
You know where you're going. Even when you don't. Especially when you don't.
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If your GPS says 15 minutes, tell everyone it's 10. Arrive in 22. Blame traffic. This is the sigma navigation cycle.
You may not own a truck, but you should know someone who does. And you should have helped them move at least once.
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When you see a truck, nod at it. This is not optional. The truck expects your acknowledgment.
The only acceptable place to express feelings is in a voicemail nobody will listen to, spoken too fast for comprehension.
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Say your phone number at the end. Say it once. Say it at a speed that requires 3 replays to transcribe. This is tradition.