Simp 2 Pimp Presents
Straight ActMania
Live Pay-Per-View Event
Five bone-crushing workshops. One convention center. Zero suspicion. This is the most important night of your heterosexual career.
Tonight's Card
The Matches
The Firm Handshake Showdown
Can Johnny crush a handshake so firm it communicates 'I definitely watch football' without shattering every bone in his opponent's hand?
Sports Talk Battle Royale
Four men enter. Only the ones who can say 'defense looked sloppy in the second half' without follow-up questions survive.
Grill Master Championship
Johnny must successfully grill a steak to medium-rare while maintaining a conversation about lawn care. The grill fights back.
Home Depot Gauntlet
Navigate every aisle of Home Depot, correctly identify at least three types of lumber, and leave without buying a scented candle.
The Final Boss: Guys' Night
The ultimate test. Survive an entire guys' night out: wings, beer you don't like, fantasy football talk, and a goodbye that's just a head nod.
Main Event
Tale of the Tape
Johnny vs. An Entire Buffalo Wild Wings
Johnny
The Challenger
Buffalo Wild Wings
The Champion
5'11"
Height
1 story
175 lbs
Weight
47,000 lbs
Just right for a side hug
Reach
Every strip mall in America
The Firm Grip
Signature Move
The Blazin' Challenge
87
Handshake PSI
87
Dangerously vague
Sports Knowledge
Literally everything
Intermediate
Grill Mastery
26
14 (this month)
Home Depot Visits
Countless
Don't miss the main event
Order Now
One night only. Five matches that will determine whether you can survive a guys' night without suggesting brunch afterward.
simp2pimp.life/magazine/mania