67 Ways to Act Straight

Master the two-pump handshake. No more, no less.

Learn the head nod. Up for friends, down for strangers. Violate this at your own risk.

Own at least one pair of cargo shorts. Fill zero pockets. The pockets are symbolic.

When someone asks how you are, say "good" or "can't complain." Never elaborate.

Develop one strong opinion about a sports team. It doesn't have to be correct.

Call every beverage a "cold one," including water.

When entering a room, scan for the TV. Look at it for 3 seconds. Nod.

Learn to stand with your arms crossed. This is your default position now.

When paying a compliment, never make eye contact. Direct it at their truck or shoes.

Master the art of saying "yeah, no" and "no, yeah" as complete sentences.

At a bar, always offer to buy the next round. Never actually remember whose round it is.

When someone tells a story, respond with a slightly better story. This is bonding.

Learn to grill. The meat doesn't matter. The confidence does.

Have an opinion about charcoal vs. propane. Be willing to die on this hill.

At a party, find the dog. Pet the dog. This buys you 20 minutes of not talking to anyone.

When music is playing, tap your foot slightly off beat. Nobody notices. Everybody does it.

Learn three dad jokes. Rotate them. Laugh at your own delivery every time.

When someone mentions their car trouble, say "could be the alternator" regardless of symptoms.

Always volunteer to "take a look at it" even if you have no idea what "it" is.

At a restaurant, order steak medium-rare. If asked why, say "that's how it should be eaten."

When watching any sport, periodically say "come ON" at the TV. Volume matters.

Learn to parallel park on the first try. If you can't, never attempt it in front of witnesses.

When a friend gets a new haircut, don't mention it. If pressed, say "looks good, man."

Develop a signature lean. Against walls, bars, trucks. Never stand fully upright at social events.

When someone asks your plans, keep it vague. "Might do some stuff around the house."

Learn enough about fantasy football to survive a 10-minute conversation. No more is needed.

When someone mentions the gym, say "yeah I need to get back into it" whether or not you've ever been.

Master the pocket pat. Keys, phone, wallet. This is how you announce you're ready to leave.

When shopping, walk with purpose. Ask zero employees for help. If lost, keep walking.

Learn to nod along to car talk. "Yeah that's a V8" works in most situations.

At Home Depot, always grab a cart. Even if you need one screw.

When someone shows you a baby photo, say "strong kid" or "looks just like you."

Develop exactly one home improvement skill. Talk about it at every gathering.

When a friend is going through something, offer to "grab a beer sometime" instead of processing emotions.

Learn the backward chair sit. Straddle that chair like you own the conversation.

When someone mentions their relationship problems, stare into the middle distance and say "that's rough."

Keep a Yeti tumbler on your desk. Contents don't matter. The tumbler is the personality.

At a wedding, loosen your tie by exactly one inch within the first 30 minutes.

When someone new joins the group, establish dominance via firm handshake. Refer to rule #1.

Master the art of the backhanded compliment disguised as sports talk. "He's good, but he's no [insert legend]."

Learn to back into parking spots. Always. Even when pulling forward is easier.

When someone asks your favorite movie, pick something with explosions. Have a second answer ready if pressed.

Develop a signature grill sauce. Guard the recipe. It's Worcestershire and garlic powder.

When assembling furniture, do not read the instructions. Consult them secretly when stuck.

Learn to talk about the weather for a minimum of 6 minutes. This is small talk mastery.

When someone mentions yoga, say "I've been meaning to try that" and never try it.

Master the controlled road rage. One hand on the wheel, mild headshake, muttered "unbelievable."

At a hardware store, pick up random items, examine them, and put them back. You're just looking.

When offered seconds, say "I shouldn't" and then immediately take seconds.

Learn to fall asleep on any couch, in any position, within 4 minutes of a game starting.

When someone mentions a problem, immediately try to fix it instead of listening. This is caring.

Develop a golf opinion. You don't have to play. The opinion is the sport.

When someone mentions a vacation, say "nice, I need one of those" regardless of your PTO balance.

Master the "let me get the door" move. Hold it open, do the little wave. Every time.

When telling a story, add "long story short" and then make it longer.

When someone shows you a TikTok, watch it silently, exhale through your nose, and say "that's funny."

Develop a signature wallet check. Back pocket tap, front pocket phone confirm. Do this upon standing.

When entering an elevator, immediately face forward and stare at the numbers. Talk to no one.

Master the goodbye sequence: stand up, stretch, say "welp," slap your knees.

When someone asks "what kind of music do you listen to," say "a little bit of everything" and refuse to elaborate.

Learn to describe any problem as "not a big deal" while clearly being devastated.

At a cookout, know when to flip. If you don't know, flip with confidence anyway.

When someone mentions therapy, say "that's great, man" with exactly the right amount of supportive distance.

Master the group photo stance: one arm around the next guy's shoulder, slight lean, closed-mouth smile.

When leaving a voicemail, say your phone number too fast. This is tradition.

Develop a signature "I'm fine" that communicates exactly nothing.

When all else fails: nod, cross your arms, and say "yeah, totally." This covers 94% of all social situations.